Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Hello Bloggalicious Bloggy McBloggertons,
Tomorrow I have an opening at the new, uber-fantastic, ultra-orgasmic Gallery 3! (disclaimer: there is no "artgasm" guarantee.)
The show is called "No Place like Home," and stars myself, Erick "I copulate with Caribou" Michaud (he is a cannuck after all), Jarred "Mormon-Monster" Steffensen, and Dave "No nickname needed" WOODY. His name is WOODY. Like "wood."
And what's funnier than a Fir tree? What elicits more cackles than a cactus flower? Plus, his name makes one think of a certain body part...That's right, the lower intestine! (disclaimer number 2: stop reading after disclaimer number 1.)
Seriously, what causes canker sores? Why do they target me? Do I have Dirty Mouth Syndrome? Is my mother right when she says that I talk like two sailors combined...who happen to be Richard Pryor and John Macenroe...on a cocaine bender together...with speech impediments and minor rage problems...who just watched the "Sopranos" for 24 hours straight?
Fuck no. I'm a mutha fuckin' saint and that assface should be feeling that. (disclaimer number 3: my mother is not an "assface." Her face is quite lovely in fact. It does not resemble an ass. Although at dusk she does look a little like Dustin Hoffman.
From "Tootsie," not "Rainman.")
I'm sorry mommy. THE CANKER MADE ME DO IT.


minimonk said...

I never realized just how attractive Dustin was as "Tootsie"- but the picture you posted says it all...not so attractive was the picture of a canker sore...
here are some helpful hints for the afflicted:
take your vitamins (sometimes cs are caused by deficiencies)
try licorice or bee propolis (can get at Whole foods or such store)
Also eat lots of yogurt!
still your biggest fan...

minimonk said...

I forgot to add, congrats on the show! Sounds exciting- wish I could see it. Hope the lucky Austinites appreciate world-class art..

Ali Fitzgerald said...

Thanks Big Momma! Right now, I'm just slathering it with butter, does that work? I sort of like the licorice solution. License to eat candy? Yes please.

b said...

Ali, Congrats on your opening! Hope it went well. Have anything for sale you can send me photos of? I love the painting I bought at your senior show...we had it hanging from the ceiling with chains in DC...

And please, no more canker photos. That was just wrong.