Friday, December 16, 2005

I am in Columbia now, enjoying sushi with my pretend-Japanese mother. She, like me, desires to renounce her repellant pasty complexion and embrace her inner ethnicity. Personally, I think I could be a very attractive Lebanese schoolmarm, or a headress-swathed militant Maya Angelou groupie. I read her poem "Phenomenal Woman" today in the tub and got a little misty-eyed (despite the mental accompaniment of Oprah squealing it loudly on her show). Oprah and Maya are friends. Big O makes that glaringly apparent every 2 seconds as she drops Maya's name. Ok, too bitter. I like Oprah. I don't think Steadman really exists though. Let's deconstruct her "lover's" name, shall we?
St=The beginning sound of a stutter, something one might say if one is uncertain... Ead=Celtic word signifying a primitive self-pleasure device shaped like a potato. Man=woman. This has been proven by our covert feminist intelligence agents. C'mon, Oprah IS Steadman! The logic is so glaringly transparent. I should be a philosopher to the stars.

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