Saturday, May 27, 2006

I have constructed a homemade eyepatch that consists of wet cottonballs attached to a pink striped thong. I'm SO not kidding, if I had a digital camera, I would insert a pic here. I even made myself LOL.
My eye fucking hurts. Not only do I have pink eye, but I have something called a "Chalazion" (sounds very exotic, no? Like the name of a special breast massage by a well-oiled hawaiian). In truth, a Chalazion is a stye inside my eyelid. Waaaaaaaaah, I'm a baby. Frankly, I cannot feel too bad for myself seeing as how I haven't removed my eye makeup in about 5 years.
I should really be like cartoon Rasputin, with a drooping removable eyeball and hollow sockets. If I got a glass eye, I think it would have tiger striped patterns on it. Or it would be some kind of disco ball that whirls around in my head whenever a BeeGees song plays. Or I could get a mechanical eye thingy like the pseudo-nazis had in "City of Lost Children." Or I could get a sqaure eye that also fuctions as a dice game for rockin' cocktail parties.
I am bored and watching Kill Bill volume 2 (or half-watching rather). Alaina, I still hate you. I'm going to buy you some fucking crack and watch you hook for money.

4 comments:

minimonk said...

I wonder if I should really be laughing as hard as I am about your eye and eyepatch (as you described them)... nevertheless I have been. Hope you feel better soon or that someone takes you out for a mojito (in a dark corner of course.)

Ali Fitzgerald said...

I'm a monster. And alas, no one takes a monster out for mojitos.
:(:(:(:( (infinite number of unhappy emoticons).

Alainicus said...

You are beginning to frighten me. Keep away! Keep away with your eyepatch!

Ali Fitzgerald said...

My eye has leapt out of my head and he's a comin' to North Carolina. Go forth Big Hazel, go!