Friday, May 26, 2006

Today I am going to list many, many embarassing secrets. Secrets I have clung to with all the tenacity of a badger on PCP. Why? Because perhaps I will be cleansed. Freed of all this badger-baggage nipping at my thighs, devouring my insides as it claws it's way to my conscience...I dunno, I'm just bored.

- I picked my nose incessantly as a child. And yes, I ate it.
- I would always sing, "She's a Prick Housssse," not knowing until my late teens what the word "prick" really meant.
- I put rotten eggs down my sister's shirt one Easter.
- Once a week I would put gum in my bully/nemesis Tracy's mailbox.
- I went through a phase where I would only wear Bob Marley T-shirts. I owned all sorts of pot-related products. Then, someone offered me a joint and I ran away like the lil poseur-pussy that I am.
- My best friend Kelly and I built a boat. On the day we put it in the water I sat on a nail and it went right into my ass. Then someone threw our boat away.
- Kelly and I would feign kissing to be sure we knew how to do it. We also bathed together for far too long.
- I didn't become a "woman" in the physical sense until my sophomore year in high school. I felt very inadequate (see shower scene in "Carrie").
- I had a bully, her name was Tracy (see gum reference above). One time our two clans arranged a fight. I didn't show up. Again, I was quite the pussy.
- I was painfully shy during much of high school. Soooooooo self-aware.
- I've never been a good dresser. I used to wear my grandfather's green trouser socks like they were knee-highs. I also went through a "grunge" phase. Shocking, eh?!
- Kelly and I locked ourselves in my room when Kurt Cobain died (see grunge phase).
- No one asked me to prom. But I didn't want to go anyway, so there.
- I made out with 30 odd people when I was in Spain. We had a bet about how many nationalities we could hook up with. There was a point system and I won. I was a global ho.'
- I made out with someone on the steps of the Alhambra.
- My first week in Austin I made out with someone in front of the capitol.
- In college, I was involved in a very embarassing girl clique called "The Super Six." Think Mean Girls. It got so out of hand that a different girl clique dressed up as us for Halloween.
- One Halloween I dressed up as Richard Simmons. My friend Alex was a fat person. I whipped people with my jumprope. Twas the best of times.
- I used to tell people I was related to Ella Fitzgerald and F. Scott Fitzgerald. Just for kicks. And because I wanted to be related to someone famous.
- In high school, most people called me "Alison." Then I went away to art camp and decided I wanted people to refer to me as "Ali," which was my father's name for me.
- After my first college party I threw up blue punch. All over my roommate's bed.
- My friends and I were having a "shower fight" and I ran out with my towel, then slipped and lay naked, incapacitated on the floor. There was a group of guys at te end of the hall, laughing. Shit, that really was mortifying.
- I broke my foot drunkenly prancing around after finals. I really think it was a stress fracture caused by my fat-assed freshman 15 weight gain.
- During the first week of TAing my button-down shirt popped open, exposing my bra. Something tells me that Hana didn't care, but I was embarassed.
- The first time I smoked, I blew really hard instead of inhaling it. The sparks caused a small fire in a nearby bush.
- My friend and I were playing hacky-sack and I fell into a shallow sewer hole. Most of my body was covered in shit.

God, there's so much more. This might have to be a 2-parter.


minimonk said...

I just laughed until tears came out of my eyes- hope it was a cathartic experience for you but for your loyal fans it was a knee-slapper.

Ali Fitzgerald said...

It was cathartic. And don't worry, I laughed at poor adolescent Ali too. Especially about the sewage hackey-sack moment. Do you remember that? Every day, I should wake up and thank god that I'm not covered in dog shit anymore. Why was I playing hackey-sack anyway? Gawd, you'd think I was raised by hippies or something.

Alainicus said...

Tears! I remember hearing about or witnessing almost everything on that list. Shucks...

Ali Fitzgerald said...

You WERE there for all of it. Inside my alaina-shaped heart chamber, flapping your microscopic angel wings to the rhythm of my life. Blech.
No you WERE there because I rufied you and dragged your body along for all of my embarassing moments. HA!

Anonymous said...

Date rape drugs are hilarious.

Ali Fitzgerald said...

Aren't they though? I like the word "mickey." It's so innocuous sounding. I wonder why they don't have a Disney ride about it.

joshy poshy said...

I was a tattle-tale as a child and now I'm a gossip as an adult. I also eat like trailer trash on occasion and watch horrible horrible movies, like - How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I cried at the end of Rocky. I acted out the first scene of Apocalypse Now to impress a girl once, you know the one where Martin Sheen goes insane, starts doing karate and breaks a mirror. Just thinking about that makes me feel so stupid. I made a painting of Sinead O'Conner in highschool, that my mother has hanging in her room. What the fuck.