Sunday, May 28, 2006

Update on my cop-hating series: I am doing sequential paintings based on the exploits of Chuck Tracy, Dick Tracy's effete and inept cousin. He is not the stand-up, square-jawed law enforcer we've grown accustomed to. Rather, he is an avid MySpace searcher (he likes little Taiwanese twinks) and quite craven. He also enjoys the View and dressing up as Twiggy. His sidekick is a Tyra lookalike who is forever relegated to the token-sassy-black-Jackie Brown-1970's-scene.
His boss is police chief Gluck, who has a minor coke addiction and a flatulence/halitosis problem. He is big and Irish-looking and carries a billy club. Whew, gotta love the Irish cop stereotype. Tis' an oldie but a goodie, and beseeedes ever'one knows that Dublin is full o' crimefightin' lowbrow addicts. And soap. What's up Irish Spring?

Also, there might be a little homoerotic subtext happening between burly Gluck and doe-eyed Chuck. Tune in to find out...or just keep reading my blog I guess.

Oooh, the villains. Well, there's Crazy Eye Ali, which if you've been reading is self-explanatory. I'm also going to have stringy neck skin that morphs into some vaginal recess at will. I stole that from Charles Burns, who is a fabulous comic artist. Then there's the 50 foot spinster who is able to release a torrent of unused breast-milk onto female-phobic Chuck Tracy. Also, there will be Brainspill Billy, who is loosely based on Bill Gates. He can freeze time by tipping his head and coating everything with his cerebellum goo. Then there's amateur sleuth Nancy Acne! She's so cute, but watch out, the Acutane left her with pock-marks and a psychotic streak! Rounding out the evildoers (all relative you see...) will be Herman Haf (Half man, half hermaphrodite), and Frigid Bridget (Who is the more attractive sibling of the 50 ft. spinster).

Who will triumph? Who the fuck cares? Will my vagina-neck retain it's ability to orgasm? Will Chuck Tracy be arrested on child pornography charges before this adventure ever begins? What really happened in Lietenant Gluck's office with a vibrating revolver, some confiscated crackrock and a pint of slimy barrel-cleaning fluid? Will Nancy Acne solve the case before her Acutane-inspired voices instruct her to kill everyone with her crazy machete skillz? Will Frigid Bridget finally tell the 50 ft. Spinster that she doesn't really like Canasta? Will Ali's eye go back to normal so she can once again re-enter the public sphere and stop writing fucked up shit on blogger?

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