Tuesday, June 13, 2006

People always say I look like the following four people:
Christina Ricci
Jeanine Garafolo
Punky Brewster (AKA Soleil Moon Frye)
Ally Sheedy

I'm getting a total face-change. I want to look like Abe Lincoln. That man had dignity in his countenance. He had style, he had flair, he was there, that's how he became the president. What do you think he was hiding underneath that big top hat? I think he was afraid that if he ever removed his headpiece that a Civil War zombie would devour his brain. I share his phobia, that's why I wear doo-rags. Everyone knows zombies don't like doo-rags.
I wonder what Brangelina's child will look like? I think it'll be some Quasimodo monstrosity that oozes out collagen and pheremones. Two people that good-looking should not procreate. I really believe this. That kid is going to be fugly, take my word for it. And plus, what kind of fucked up freudian complex are you going to have if your parents are Brad and Angelina? I bet Angelina are brother and sister anyways. You know how Angie likes sibling-sex (see awkward Oscar kiss with big-lipped bro).

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Abe Lincoln? You should get a face-change so you look like Abe Freeman. Get some balls Ali.

Boutman said...

The sausage king of Chicago?

Ali Fitzgerald said...

Um. I can't say anything here other than, "I don't need a Freeman face to have ballz." Still Lincoln, or maybe this sausage fellow.

Anonymous said...

boutman is talking about Abe Froman, The Sausage King of Chicago, from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. anonymous is talking about Abe Freeman, the art party king of Austin. Big difference. For one, Abe Froman never had a face, he was just a name in a dinner reservation book.

Ali Fitzgerald said...

Is there a big difference? Art parties are sausage-laden anyways. And I'm sure Abe has a lot of different permutations of his name.

Z said...

Sausage Parties.

Boutman said...

Art party king of Austin?
Why have I never been invited to any of his parties?

Anonymous said...

that's a good point.
abe freeman needs to throw a party.

Ali Fitzgerald said...

Ok, how the fuck did Abe Freeman infiltrate my blog? I've got to give it to him, he's truly everywhere. And also, he sometimes wears very nice polyester shirts.