Monday, July 31, 2006

So, everyone's all up in my apathetic art-girl shit about not blogging. I am a deadbeat blogdaddy; sue me. That's right bitch, see if you can squeeze a cent out of my tight ass. I'm going to Vegas with my girlfriend Tina and you can tell lil' Jimmy that I'll bring him back a nice nipple tassel.

*Actually, if any litigious person out there really does want to bring me to court, please contact Judge Judy, as I would very much like to hear her sassy take on any legal matter. Unnecessary description: There is a soft swooning sound as Ali clasps her hands and conjures up the severe countenance of Ms. Judy Sheinlin. All of this is encased in a precious thought bubble that is shaped like a heart. Awwwwwww.

I have had a lot of craaaaaaaaazy nights lately. I'm talking "Rick James Cracktastic" beeeeeatch. Rick James and I are karmically linked. We are eerily similar. Why if Rick were a little white girl who wore wristcuffs and was terrified of hard drugs, then we would be twins. To enhance this effect visually, I am getting corn-rows, a punchy epitaph (just in case) and a harem of ho-like womins.'

Here are some highlights of my recent misadventures (much like my battle wounds, the bloody memories all seep together).

-Wrasslin' with Josh and Becca amid dog shit and probably lots of other disease-inducing goodies.
-Getting fake tattoos of lightning bolts just because they are SO FIERCE.
-A makeout circle orchestrated by some big-haired theater geek. Trust me, you don't even want to know about this one...
-Sweating my balls off in San Antonio again. my. hell. Sidenote: what does hell smell like? I said hipster sweat and styrofoam. Arturo said Mayo and classical music (smell?) His underworld is full of white people apparently.
-hitchhiking home from El Chilito with a bald man named Luke. Don't worry, it turns out he was at the same party. Three cheers for not dying in a ditch!
-Near-puking at Hoover's sunday brunch. They were going to need a hoover after I was done with them! (cymbal classssssshhh).
-Sexy ice fights! They are not only sexy but efficient in bring down body temperature and self-respect!
-Smoking 3 year old schwag then freaking out because I thought it might be laced with PCP.
-Freaking out a few nights later (possible confirmation about PCP usage?) about demonic possession after watching "The Exorcism of Emily Rose." Seriously, that shit is frightening and I (surprisingly) don't want anyone to dwell within me. Only evil breakfast tacos and naughty Tecate.
Whew, there's much more, so if you want to hear about it contact me at my new number:


minimonk said...

You're back! Yea! But I am not totally sure what you wrote is the stuff any parent should read (even one who is undercover). Hope your public appreciates you like I do!

Alainicus said...

Wow. I'm loving this one. Seriously cracking me up. I stopped being apathetic as well, but I'm not quite so FIERCE in my blog-magic. Luv and hugs and all that mushy stuff.

Bob said...

I feel like I've peeked into a dream and seen phantasms float by. Hell smells like a discount fragrance counter.

Anonymous said...

i'm o\ love and drunk with all these nights of fever and drug use and human living.,,.nlfwen njlvnnfun

i wish they could last for ever and ever portland will bend down and marry us