Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Here is my addiction, hot or not? list.

-I am addicted again to Six Feet Under. I just can't stop caring about that cwazy, dysfunctional Fisher family who live in a funeral home. I heart hearses. And don't get me started on embalming fluid; mmm rigormortis-licious. I'm sorry for making a necrophilliac joke, it's just that I think necrophillia is cool.
-I really am somewhat un-addicted to cigarettes. For the past 2 months I have just been bumming off people at parties. I think that officially makes me a non-smoker (as well as a whorish, mooching moocher whore). It's hard though, smoking is cool like necrophillia. All the popular kids are doing it down at the harbor. Smokin' doobies and doin' it with dead people. Okay I'm stopping now.
-I am still a little addicted to eye-liner, although I decided to quit the stuff after another freak eye scare. Don't worry, I still rock the goth, sunken-eyes look, only now with eye SHADOW. See, it's okay, shhhhh, calm down.
-I am addicted to vanilla soy milk. It tastes like a creamsicle paradise. It makes me feel nice.
-I am addicted to my ipod. Yes, for those who know me, I finally got the lil' fucker. And me loves it. Some things I've been listening to:
The Arcade Fire, Queen, RIlo Kiley, Neko Case, Kanye West, The Flaming Lips, Michael Jackson.
-I am not addicted to cleaning, nor have I ever been. Yet recently, I was forced to clean my studio. I can hear your cries of outrage traveling through my motherboard and straight to my heart! I feel that it will be harder for me to work in the long run, but whatever. I suppose it was more of a "fire hazard" than the wood-laden and turpentine-doused studios of others.
But don't worry, the man hasn't gotten me down.
If anything, I am going to rise up Che Guevara style and slash those beuracratic by-laws! It's an artolution people. Down with plein air painters and equine portraitists!

Monday, September 11, 2006

I wish I had some stunning, elaborately fabricated news headline to deliver to you people. How's this:

"Cantankerous Art Student Gives Birth to Eight-Tongued Fleshy Cyborg Resembling Rosie O'Donnell circa 2002; Birth Has Ghastly End as Baby's Brain Implodes Under the Weight of Her Self-Importance and Lopsided Dykealicious Hair-Cut."

"Music Capital of the World, Austin, Texas, is the First State to Initiate Dual Cattle Branding-Circumsicions Thanks to New Jew Governor Kinky Friendman. The Resulting Hybrid Tradition Shall be Performed With a Branding Iron and Some Fancy Rodeo-Type Noose Thing. Kinky Has Alternately Called It the "Bluebonnet Briss," and the "Yee-Haw-Foreskin-Yank.""

"Austin City Limits is cancelled after a truckload of Diesel Jeans and vintage headbands derails in El Paso causing a mass hipster exodus across the state."

"Elizabeth Peyton and Tracy Emin disclose mild retardation and basic motor-skill impairment."

"Antony and the Johnsons confesses to fraudalent music-making! All tunes secretly sample the high-pitched emissions of "Cory," a hermaphroditic blue whale."

"Local art student stops shaving her legs in protest of the recent bombings by the Hezbollah terrorist group. No one notices. Sigh."

I got tired of capitalizing every word about half-way through there. Capitalization is rough yo. Yeeeeeeeahhhhh, you know what I'm talking about. We all can bond over the horrors of capitalization.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

It's my blogiversary! Well, it was around this time last year when I put down the poison-dipped paintbrush with accompanying asp, and picked up some salvation in the shape of a computer key.
I decided at that minute to unleash the very worst of me onto the world wide web. Let that fucker deal with it. Fucking AOL ticker, always mocking me with his infernal ticking and whatnot. Listen AOl, I don't want to know why men fall asleep after sex. Actually, yes, yes I do. It's because of muscle mass? You're so smart AOL! :):):):)
Anyhow, now I am a blog princess with a wee little throne and many handsome Malyasian online suitors. At least they claim that they're handsome...Zoinks!

**I don't know what "zoinks" really connotes, but I insert it into uncomfortable conversations all the time. For example:

"Ali, why don't you clean your studio?"
A: "Zoinks!"

"Ali, are you STILL watching Oprah?"
A: "Zizzzoinks!"

"Ali, are those your hands down your pants?"
A: "Zoinks!"

You get the point.
School has begun again. I am a pseudo-professor now with my own pseudo-class. I give them pseudo advice in hopes that they will pass (note the rhyming please; I also wear a striped top hat to class and make silly faces while we all play Jumanji).
On the painting front: I am making a rather heavenly piece about artistic impotence. It stars a group of chess-playing-Viagrans and some rather virile male performers. I also threw in a fairly naughty lioness with a penchant for sniffing out...the um...male spirit. Interestingly enough, this painting has cured my own artistic penile-paralysis. Yay.
**How many times have I mentioned the male member in this blog entry? Apparently my blog's anniversary is also a celebration of everyone's johnson. Geez. Hmmm...sounds like jizz.

**I am a gutter rat swaddled in my own dirty habits. Forgive me.