I wish I had some stunning, elaborately fabricated news headline to deliver to you people. How's this:
"Cantankerous Art Student Gives Birth to Eight-Tongued Fleshy Cyborg Resembling Rosie O'Donnell circa 2002; Birth Has Ghastly End as Baby's Brain Implodes Under the Weight of Her Self-Importance and Lopsided Dykealicious Hair-Cut."
"Music Capital of the World, Austin, Texas, is the First State to Initiate Dual Cattle Branding-Circumsicions Thanks to New Jew Governor Kinky Friendman. The Resulting Hybrid Tradition Shall be Performed With a Branding Iron and Some Fancy Rodeo-Type Noose Thing. Kinky Has Alternately Called It the "Bluebonnet Briss," and the "Yee-Haw-Foreskin-Yank.""
"Austin City Limits is cancelled after a truckload of Diesel Jeans and vintage headbands derails in El Paso causing a mass hipster exodus across the state."
"Elizabeth Peyton and Tracy Emin disclose mild retardation and basic motor-skill impairment."
"Antony and the Johnsons confesses to fraudalent music-making! All tunes secretly sample the high-pitched emissions of "Cory," a hermaphroditic blue whale."
"Local art student stops shaving her legs in protest of the recent bombings by the Hezbollah terrorist group. No one notices. Sigh."
I got tired of capitalizing every word about half-way through there. Capitalization is rough yo. Yeeeeeeeahhhhh, you know what I'm talking about. We all can bond over the horrors of capitalization.