Saturday, November 04, 2006

I've decided not to be neurotic anymore. I want to be less Woody Allen and more Woody Harrelson. More natural born killer than petite asian-o-phile.
That means no more cancerous growth scares or self-aggrandizing visions of my own death in a Dutch meat shredder or something.
Here are all the ways I picture myself dying, so that finally I can lay them to rest:
-aneuryrism
-urethra explosion
-wedged under 18-wheeler
-cancer
-kidney disease
-cirrhosis of liver
-possession by demon
-shattered glass through heart
-great white shark attack
-disembowelment
-alligator devouring me then stuffing my body in the mud to decay
-eye injury
-falling on pole and being impaled by said pole
-sudden heart failure for no apparent reason
-falling 30,000 feet from airplane to my fiery death (or landing in water and encountering shark or gator as mentioned above).
-ebola
-weird "28 Days Later" disease.
-blindsided by UT bus(not terribly unlikely)

Whew. I already feel 20 lbs lighter. Like I just barfed up a heaping pile of Freudian gumbo. Mmmm, those phobic defense mechanisms sure add a little grit!
I think part of my fascination with (slash acute fear of)dying stems from a love of horror movies and melodrama. Chucky, Jason and Carrie, oh my! These movies lead me to believe that life is comprised of a series of exciting, serendipitous (and sometimes deadly...) events. When, in reality, life is boring. Like a Mellville short story. Really, we're all just craggy-faced seamen searching for a big white dick.

Let's be honest, Mellville was really more of a "Rainbow Trout" than a swordfish, right? I mean, scouring the world for a sleek sea mammal with an overactive blowhole? Puh-lease.
Unneccessary factoid: there is a gay master's swim team (AKA old folks) called the "Rainbow Trout." They are based in Atlanta. Don't ask me how I kow this, I just do.
Okay, okay. I'm actually a 56 year-old interior designer specializing in "Canine Feng Shui." I live in uptown ATL with my roommate Gary. He cries a lot.

4 comments:

minimonk said...

Wow..funny. I feel like you are Dianne Keaton in Baby Boom when she leaned over the sink and said "I'm back". I laughed out loud (maybe because I understood the Rainbow Trout jokes) but also because it was funny even if you didn't. You are very funny. Your fan.

Alainicus said...

You know I love Woody Harrelson. I too pictured myself dying in various inventive ways. Now I just party all the time and leave no room for my overactive imagination to take flight. Can your mom be my fan too? I love Fitz's.

Ali Fitzgerald said...

My girl likes to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time.

Karri Paul said...

I really admire how many glamorous (by my standards) deaths you include. You know, the gator, the shark attack, exploding urethra...

Apparently, my list goes like this: death by teeth (grinding them away or having them fall out inexplicably), burning alive in a crash, cancer (especially cervical or breast), heartbreak.

You've inspired me again. I'm going to try the Allen to Harrelson transformation as well. As soon as I finish eating this box of chewy ginger snaps and get my ass off the sofa.