Wednesday, February 07, 2007

So I'm watching Judge Judy right now while figuring out my fancy new digicam (by "figuring out," I mean taking photos of my hypnotic bathroom tile pattern).

Judge Judy is a real bitch. Not just a minor bitch, but rather a raging amalgam of stereotypical bitchiness that encompasses Rosie's jaw-grinding, Martha's waspy ice-flinging and Condi's closeted-lesbian-robot-karate hand gestures. I like her. She just bitched out some mumbly wife-beating Nascar enthusiast. She is really a crusader. Let's all have a moment for one old gavel worth banging.

Here's the haps:
Going to Houston this weekend to see Hana Hillerova--AKA the Czech amazon who slaughtered at least 25 philistines, has an awesome femullet and eats up to 800 lbs of cured human flesh every day.
Going to New York on the 14th to go to what I'm sure will be a thrilling conference for the College Art Association. Yup, there's gonna be lots of grandiose delusions in that room. And more than a few wrist-cuffs, arbitrary piercings and angst. Oh, and probably some capri pants.

Here are the sights I'm looking forward to in the big apple:

-H&M--Where else can you buy sluttastic wear at such a reasonable price. Yes, yes Forever 21 I know. But that's not "sluttastic" that's "whoreiffic." There's a difference people.

-Central Park---Where else can you find such cool transients? Everywhere, yes, yes, I know.

-MOMA--20 dollars? Sheeet, I can't believe I have to pay that to see a Monet hung in a stairwell. I mean, I could go to any dorm in the country and see a Van Gogh poster strewn across the makeout lounge. I don't know if that comparison made any sense.

-Chinatown! Last time I was in NYC I got caught in some Chinese protest rally, it was quite frightening as I thought I was going to get trampled before I could even get my Mushu Pork. That would have been a great American tragedy. Or....a great Asian tragedy? Write another book Amy Tan! Jesus, she is such a slow writer.

-Little Italy.

-Family and friends! Woohoo! No detectable sarcasm there. Strange.

-Skowhegan reunion. I will see my art commune friends for the first time in a couple of years. I wish I was back in Maine building a tree-house and smoking a dooby. It was like the childhood I would've had if my mom had been the Jim Croce groupie she initially wanted to be.

-Street food! Gimme my crepes and kraut and falafels (all on the same plate!).

I decided that this was a stupid post. But I don't care and neither do you.
I'll leave you with some fun Chuck Norris facts (I read them in some weird book Risa had):
-There is no evolution; only animals that Chuck Norris has decided to spare.
-Chuck Norris has 12 moons, one of them is earth.
-The grass is always greener, unless it's Chuck Norris' grass, in which case it is covered with blood and human remains.
-Chuck Norris does not have a chin underneath his beard, he has another fist.
-Chuck Norris is the only person on earth who can email a roundhouse kick.


Alainicus said...

I love this post. And YOU! And I'm so jelly about not going to NY. And I am also jelly of Chucky's chinfist. Now that is an accessory worth keeping. Hangin with your sista tonight. We will pour one out for you.

Z said...

Please mention the fact that Chuck's formidable crimson chest hair is actually the the thatched roof of a tahitian villager's homestead, and that behind Jim Croce's Sam Elliot styled stache is where he keeps his uptown Leroy Brown. Seriously he actuallly hides an extra on face.