Monday, March 19, 2007

As a counterpoint to the other day's post about love, peace, and a gun-toting Glenn Close, here are the things I hate (I know this is a well-trodden path with me, but whatever, the list is updated ok? And it includes you, hairypalms417). Alright, I'm already sidetracked because now I'm thinking about Robert Frost and that moving point in 8th grade whee you realize that you want to take the prickly, urine-smelling path he writes about so lovingly. And then you realize that, no, comfort is where it's at. And then you unbutton your Sears brand khakis and drink a nice, lukewarm Coca-Cola while watching some lame comedy about an emotionally stunted bachelor on Fox. And you think, "this is so much better than that stupid hiking trail Frost told me to walk on. There were burrs and cacti, and I'm pretty sure that field across from it had a glory hole." And then you laugh and laugh and laugh, because really, all of Fox's family sitcoms are SO applicable to your life. It's like a crystal ball. A mediocre, trailor-sheathed ball. I hate those shows.
SEGWAY!

* I do not hate segways (the sexy vehicle), in fact I love them. I was simply referring to that moment in an article/sex clan meeting etc. where one is asked or coerced to make a leap in conversation topics (i.e. "pass the lube please," "Speaking of lube, there's this great lil' glory hole, on this private path, I think there's some pretty yellow leaves..." "Is that code for 'golden showers'?" "Speaking of 'golden showers'...")


New/forgotten conversation topic: Things I hate, line 1.
-The following barfy-lumbering-neanderathal-father shows:
--"The War at Home," "Two and a Half Men," "All-American Dad" (I'm sorry creator of Family Guy, this show sucks the dick I'm very aware of not having).
-Being on Speakerphone. Put me on speakerphone and I assure you that you will hear one wigged-out person on the other line.
-Guinness. It makes me feel like 900 lbs.
-People who say "yuman" instead of "human."
-People who adverstise their art all the time, so that their personality colludes with their business/work. To you fine people, I say: get a life, and stop peppering my world with your lame attempts at self-aggrandizing.


Ok, onto the "News Section."
-I had my orals, they were lovely and tea-party like. Not really, but, all things considered, they were v. helpful.
-I am graduating in May. Please give me a job. Ignore self-promotion complaint above.

The following job titles indicate what I would be interested in doing for work and pay:
-Dirty Improv Balloon Theatre Director
-Web-Surfing Endurance Contest Judge
-Orgy Coordinator
-Hairdresser
-Professional Eater of Savory Things
-Overseer of the Equitable Division of the Estates of Strippers and Ho's
-Professional Lip Reader employed by the Association of Old Lady Gossips on Porches
-Gross Stuff Inspector (only with stick)
-Makeup Artist and Court Jester to Drag King/Queen
-Reality TV critic slash reality television star (reality show about reality tv critic).
-Fluffer (I mean fluffing little bunnies' fur, whatchu think I meant?)
-Kissing Booth Occupier
-Art Dismisser
-Comic Book Afficionado
-Artspeak Translator (for those sad Art people who kin't talk to the normal folk without using the phrases "didactic" "Freudian" or "the gaze.")
-Horse Killer
-Buzz Killer
-Newsie
-Co-Sextrologist with Annie Sprinkle
-Ear wax Removal Technician
-Nonchalant and Snootily Dismissive Paid Art Opening Attendee
-Sugar Daddy Recipient
-Cynicism Retrieval Expert, for those who mistakenly believe that life is like the film "Amelie."
-Beer Funneler, or Chimay Fetcher
-Personal Art Shopper
-Water Bong Warmer
-Wooden Marionette Namer
-Disgruntled Mascot in Overheated Beaver Suit
-Horchata Latte Daily Tester (to test the appropriate levels of both Horchata and Latte).
-Chicken Fight Organizer at Town Lake
-Professional Tuber and Tester of levels of Frat Pee in River
-Teacher of Pretend Castration on Ronald McDonald Effigy

Now, stop harassing me about a long blog.
This is my long entry for the week.

5 comments:

JASPER said...

Great rant! What will my art shopper be bringing me back? I have $5,000 to blow.

Ali Fitzgerald said...

Hmmm Jasper,
firstly, 5,000 can buy a lot of blow. Not "art" I realize, but a good art-making catalyst and party favor.
Lessee:
I would buy you a "sex machine" drawing by Eduardo Navarro (150), a perverse artist book by yours truly (a hefty 1500), a burned DVD from youtube of the fabulous animations of David Shrigley (illegally free), a Michael Ray Charles napkin scribble (which I actually own) (1000), a Rebecca Ward architectural-tape sketch (500), a Buster Graybill wax catfish (1500)and a nipple tassel used in one of Jill Pangallo's "weiner-themed" performances(349.75). Extra prize: a roasted chicken flavored lollipop (.25)(this actually exists, they sell them at "Chapala Taqueria" on Cesar Chavez).

*Disclaimer: Most aforementioned prices are a lil' bit bullshit.

Bob said...

Ali dear, always look on the bright side of life (ta la, ta la, ta tas). [imagine being sung by happy yellow bird]. Paint anything wicked cool lately? I was in Scottsdale AZ yesterday and bought 2 paintings. Yippee! I hope I don't find myself slapping myself in the forehead when they get delivered next week. Buyer's remorse. If you haven't been there you should go and see it. There must be 100 galleries along a 2 block stretch of Main street. It has a bit of the miracle mile sales vibe (what can I do to get you into this beauty TODAY?) Some of the art is lovely. But they got nothin on you kid. Bob

Jasper said...

Hey I'll show you my Jim Shaw watercolor if you show me your Michael R. Charles's scribble. Really digging the Buster Graybill fish choice. But I was hoping you might include an Elizabeth Peyton sketch or something. Maybe your perverse artist book will make up for it.



Disclaimer: Fuck, I really don't have 5 grand to blow but I will take one of those tasty pops.

Ali Fitzgerald said...

I hate Elizabeth Peyton.