Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Here's what the acronym "jpeg" really stands for:
Jacking off

*For those of you non-anglo-philes, "eejit" is a common Scottish slang expression for "idiot."
*This translation was brought to you in part by the Fitzgerald Foundation for Panty-Sniffers, Incompetent Image File Uploaders and Other Cultural Deviants.
And the fine panty-sniffers at CBN.

I spent an hour of my "lounge" time uploading shark-cum-chum-people paintings and sexy sudio shots of yours truly, but my efforts were thwarted by the evil Mr. JPEG, who smothered me with bad pixelation, thereby silencing my cries for help, my cries for a ball-gag and my whiny requests for extra "lounge" time.

**Omniscient narrator: "Mr. JPEG" was a Nesquik-induced chocollucination brought on by Ms. Fitzgerald's penchant for liquids high in fructose and crack cocaine.

Ali: I have seriously become ADDICTED to Nesquik. I am not kidding, it is delicious.

Narrator: You've got to be kidding me. When one needs a creamy bit o' cocoa, one need only look to "Ovaltine" which is rich in minerals and nutrients.

Ali: They use ground children to make Ovaltine, it's proven. Say, are you British?

Narrator: Yes.

Ali: Why are you British?

Narrator: Because you think British people are inherently smarter, more together, and more physically dextrous (as proven by their ability to pass Grey Poupon through limo windows). Therefore this narration is more accurate and reliable if you throw in some U.K. type wisdom. Plus, you worshipped the Beatles as a child and now associate their Liverpool accents with your own polytheistic religion, which is called "Beatolick."

Ali: I have a religion? I believe in something? You are so smart. I just wish this wasn't so cliche. A British narrator? Next up will be an auditory tour of my life with a voice-over by Morgan Freeman. Sooo predictable.

***Later on it was discovered that the British narrator in question was a Valium-addled Helen Mirren. Ali was crushed but was allowed to keep her period clothing and so was appeased. She continues to consume far too much Nesquik.


Alainicus said...

I used one of your deepest, darkest memories for my last posting. I hope it is not too painful.

jasper said...

First bitches! oops wrong blog

Hows bout Freeman with a british accent and a little northern soul in the background. And I'd rather say
"where's the beef?' instead of passing mustard through a limo window. Great work by the way, I want to pet the sharky. Fin