So I do this weird thing where I don't say "hi" to people. I don't know why I do it, it seems to have very little to do with the person (A.K.A. I am an equal-opportunity ignorer). Although this behavior occurs across the board, I especially withhold my "hello" from people whom I admire. Certain professors, colleagues, snappy waitstaff and sexologists (I forgot to mention that I met Annie Sprinkle, renowned "sexologist" while frothily drinking my soy-latte at a Broadway Starbucks) are all victims of my salutation performance anxiety. All I'm saying, is that if you're reading this, and I ever passed by you frostily, it is not because I'm stuck up and/or don't remember you. The truth is, at the danger of being immodest, I remember almost everyone I meet. That means you, strange cleft-chin stock broker who brushed up against me at Highland Mall.
I remember most names and faces and without exception I usually care what they think. Hence my sometimes conversational paralysis: I cares too much. I also really hate prolonged eye-contact, which has resulted in many humiliating staring contest defeats at the hands of my freakishly large-eyed sister, Andie. Ahh, ole Marble-eye Andie, she was a master. But I was a quickdraw at the surprise arm hair tweezing, so it all evened out.
I think this problem of mine is best summarized by Jodie Foster's performance as "Nell." It is like I have been raised in some backwoods swamp, suckling on moonshine tree-sap and interacting only with alligators and other slithery things. Note that these creatures are undeniably frigid, as evidenced by my recent run-in with an iguana. We had a great time at Trudy's then that bitch didn't even approve my Myspace friend request. Fucking scaly thing.
So, in summation, I am not:
A high-falootin' bitch who is too big for her powder-blue britches.
An oblivious artist who never remembers anyone's name, and/or pretends to forget a name in order to perpetuate the "mysterious artist" mythos.
What I am is:
Nell, or a Nell-like reptillian individual. Thank you, and good night.
P.S.--I just re-watched "Slums of Beverly Hills," which is SUCH a good movie. Everyone should watch it immediately. Also, Natasha Lyonne is so cool.