Here are some suspenseful movies I've viewed recently that I would recommend for the discerning D-list horrorlover:
*By "recommend" I mean shrug disinterestedly, with a prolonged eye-roll and an artful yawn
Premonition: Sandra Bullock is caught in some fatalistic deck of cards and struggles to prevent her boring (but well-groomed!) husband from dying. Blah. Things move backwards, things move forward and nobody "does it" in the whole movie. The director obviously went to M. Night Shamalmamalalalalyan's Upside-Down-Illiterate-In-All-Things-But-Stephen-King-School-of-shit. Ali's grade: D- (I don't believe in the larger picture or in Sandy's ability to portray anyone who is not the character she played in "Speed").
Black Snake Moan: In this delightful romp through an STD-ridden Alabama town, we watch as an emaciated Christina Ricci succumbs to a "sickness" wherein she yearns to "s" everybody's "d." She is then cured with chains, choice biblical verses and the affected guitar strumming of Samuel L. Jackson. Ali's grade: B. Not too bad, I like the whole "doing it" aspect of the movie, along with the oppressive Baptist sex scare, although Justin Timberlake as an overly anxious Iraq War veteran didn't sit right with me. Actually it did, I like him. There, I said it.
The Covenant: This was the best and worst movie of them all. It is about amazingly attractive boarding school warlocks who move hummers with their blackened eyeballs and court young ladies with impressive magic-enhanced pool games. There is also a parallel between spell-casting and drug abuse, with the young warlocks calling magical practice "using." This movie was uhmazing. I think you learn more about human nature by watching movies as transparent as this than anything at Cannes
For instance, who knew 5 young men were set to inherit the "House of Ipswich?" Or that improper magic-maintenance can lead to premature aging?
Ali's Grade: A+++++++