Thursday, September 27, 2007

Um.

McSweeney's Makes Me Feel Good Inside.

Thirty Illnesses,
Sorted According to
Whether or Not You
Can Eat the Victims.

BY MARYAM AKBARI AND SEAN MICHAELS

- - - -

Illnesses Whose Victims
May Not Be Safely Eaten

1. Rabies

2. Chickenpox

3. Leukemia

4. Tuberculosis

5. The common cold

6. Hodgkin's disease

7. Hepatitis*

8. Leprosy

9. Crohn's disease**

10. Mono (aka mononucleosis, the Epstein-Barr virus, the kissing disease)

11. AIDS

12. Influenza

13. Malaria***

14. Herpes (genital or oral)

15. SARS

Illnesses Whose Victims
May Be Safely Eaten

1. Color blindness

2. Tourette's syndrome

3. Alzheimer's disease

4. Breast, thyroid, liver, and prostate cancers****

5. Asthma

6. HIV

7. Cholera*****

8. Chlamydia*****

9. Syphilis*****

10. Diphtheria*****

11. Muscular dystrophy

12. Tinnitus

13. Type 2 diabetes

14. Parkinson's disease

15. Homesickness

- - - -

* It may be safe to consume a victim of hepatitis if you carefully avoid the liver.

** At one time, it was believed that Crohn's disease was a genetic disorder and thus its victims were safe to devour. Recent studies, however, suggest that Crohn's is an infectious environmental bacteria, linked to Johne's disease, which infects ruminants. If this is correct, victims of Crohn's may not be safely consumed.

*** It may be safe to consume a victim of malaria if the blood is drained and the liver is avoided.

**** Victims may not be consumed if cancer was induced by hepatitis virus.

***** Slight chance that these diseases would infect through the mouth/esophagus mucosa before they could be destroyed by the acidity of the stomach. Thus, their victims could not be said to be "safe."

McSweeney's LISTZ

This one goes out to my moms, who does not like the smell of kimchi.

Two Lists
of Complaints.

BY STUART ZEHNER

- - - -

1.

Complaints
My Middle-School Students
in Korea Had About Our
School's Food.

"The rice is cold."

"The kimchi is dry."

2.

Complaints
American Middle-School
Students Would Have If
They Were Served
Korean Food.

"There's an entire fish in my soup."

"The fish in my soup still has eyes."

"The fish in my soup with eyes is full of fish eggs."

"What is this?"

"They made me eat off a metal tray with chopsticks."

"I was served a vertebra."

"This salad is clearly made from the bush in the front of the school."

"I told you last week I don't like fish eggs!"

"The menu says we're having chicken anus for lunch."

"The live baby octopus you served me stuck to my throat and died."

"There wasn't any pizza."

"This is dog meat."

"It's too spicy."

"The rice is cold."

"The kimchi is dry."

Wednesday, September 26, 2007




I heart Kristin Morgan. Besides her bad ass claycadillacs, hearses and eurocars, she showed an amazing collection of small work including painted Monopoly cards and faux romance novels.

The aforementioned work is one reason she's my new artcrush, here are two more:
-She was notorious in grad school for her messy studio and erected a false floor to cover up the junk-sea below it.
-She likened an aging Bette Davis to Boris Karloff in Frankenstein.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Sometimes instead of blogging, I read more relevant and meaningful blogs.










Just 50 years ago…
My father, God bless his soul, was 18 years old when nine black students walked through the doors of Little Rock Central High School and made history in 1957. My mother was 15 and was already attending an integrated school in Pennsylvania (her family having fled Mississippi as part of the post WWII northern migration).

My parents raised me on a steady Civil Rights diet. They were active in the movement and were proud of what they had accomplished, but they also wanted my sister and me to know…to remember…to understand that others faced violence and death for us.

That was my legacy…my inheritance...that people faced violence so that I could have a chance at a decent education.

The use of federal troops in 1957 to enforce the integration of Little Rock Central High School is featured in many a documentary including my favorite, Eyes on the Prize. I remember watching Daisy Bates and being so inspired and proud that a black woman activist was a key part of the struggle.

But there is one scene filmed on that first day in 1957 that is most powerful to me.

It features Elizabeth Eckford…her family didn’t have a phone and she didn’t know that everyone had planned to arrive together…and she arrived alone only to be surrounded by that mob. People were shouting and screaming and there’s Elizabeth Eckford...all alone. Her eyes are hidden behind sunglasses…her blouse and skirt were pressed and first day of school neat.

Merciful God, what she must have been thinking…how scared she must have been and oh so confused…and yet she stood unbowed. She tried to enter the school but was turned back around…she was bumped and shoved and her way was blocked. Finally she sat at a bus stop...visibly terrified, totally alone in a sea of hate.
Someone finally emerged from the crowd and guided Elizabeth Eckford to a bus, most likely saving her life.

That was day one.

And Elizabeth Eckford went back for day two...and the days upon weeks that followed.
I know…and will always remember that Elizabeth Eckford faced that mob alone.

She came home, probably pressed another dress before going to bed and then she woke up and returned to face down that mob again.

I carry that with me always. Sometimes I take it out and review it when things seem impossible or frightening or just not worth it.

A legacy…an inheritance…purchased with courage just 50 years ago.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Beautiful. Life is beautiful.
I finally moved in to my treestudio and it is everything I thought it would be, including an alpine fragrance that brings me back to the days of nursing my invalid caretaker and yodeling alongside billy-goats.
My classes are going well, and I actually really like teaching 2-D Design, go figure. All my classes are excellent actually---inflates chest and shoots a hand/gun signal at invisible spectator. Plus, working a long, hard day has awakened me from my bodily complacency (i.e. sleeping in until someone knocks on my door in disgust).

Friday, September 14, 2007

I just found out that I'm taking over Michael Ray's 2-d design class at UT (in addition to my other 3 classes). I should get some kind of super-over-extended-professor-pin to wear so that people won't expect much from me other than falling spittle and the occasional snippy comment. Still haven't moved into my treehousestudio and I have 2 studio visits next week. I can't move in this weekend either, because of ACfuckingL.
Super snippy professor sister!
*See Brad Neely's Professor Brothers for comment clarification.

I have a really great figure drawing class at UT. I made them read a Miranda July short story involving Prince William and a rim-job as well as an interview with Tom Sachs. Then we talked about bodily obsession and consumerism. It was a really good, fruitful discussion, even though Miranda July and Tom Sachs make me feel weird inside.

I'm listening obsessively to the following songs:
Nina Simone, I Wish I Knew How It Felt to Be Free
Beirut, Gulag Orestar
Regina Spektor, Love Affair
The Origin of Love from Hedwig and the Angry Inch

That's all. If you see me on the street, undoubtedly wearing some derivation of the tweed suit, stay far away, for I am Super Snippy Professor Sister!

Monday, September 10, 2007



I really like Richter's new cathedral window in Cologne. Hot.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

I'm watching "Dante's Cove" right now, which is about gay warlocks who live on an island. Obviously, a realistic portrayal of youth culture in today's heady times.

I went to the Longbranch with Cauleen last night, and the owners (plus one cantankerous rat-tailed bartender) were total assfaces and Cauleen became embroiled in a very heated verbal battle with the bar-owner's wife. They were spelling out expletives to each other, expletives that I shan't repeat because of my moral indignity. It was kind of insane, but oh so entertaining. I kind of tried to join in, but I am not good at, nor do I enjoy, real confrontations. I think I may have said something like, "Seriously, you're being a bitch." And then I giggled.
Long story short: Cauleen called the cops (twice actually) and is forever banned from entering the tasty beer-stained floors of the Longbranch. I think I am banned by proxy, but really I am just going to wear an assortment of face-concealing hats and goggles.

Arthouse Texas Prize opened last night, and I think the show looks really good. I am particularly fond of Justin Boyd's contribution, which is really elegant and unexpected.

Tonight is Okay Mountain, and afterwards Pataphysics and Cari Palazzolo are playing at the Scoot. Both are v. good at break-dancing.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I am soooooo excited about an upcoming movie called I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With.
Somewhat stupid name, however true the statement may be, but it's written by Jeff Garlin who co-directs (or does something producer-ish) Curb Your Enthusiasm.
And it stars Sarah Silverman and Bonnie Hunt. Yes. The trailer looks fantastic.

I am also excited about the Freddie Mercury birthday party at the Chain Drive on Wed. As some of you may know, I love Mr. Mercury and his flambrilliance. It's a word, trust me.

If you go to the party, look for the buxom man with a mustache and jumpsuit....I'll be behind him, rocking out to "I Want to Break Free."

Went to the Cock Pit the other night. Again, that bar has the strangest ambiance ever. It's like a psychedelic planet where rainbows and cowboys collide. Rainboyz.

I watched The Guise play. They're a "dark surf" band, which I think is an awesome tagline. It's like Brian Wilson meets Marilyn Manson.
Also went to 80's night at Elysium. Delicious.

Trenton Doyle is coming in town tonight, so there might be some more dancing to be had. Although to be honest, my glutes feel like they may revolt and slip into something more comfortable, namely a Wendy's number 9 special.