Thursday, September 27, 2007

McSweeney's Makes Me Feel Good Inside.

Thirty Illnesses,
Sorted According to
Whether or Not You
Can Eat the Victims.

BY MARYAM AKBARI AND SEAN MICHAELS

- - - -

Illnesses Whose Victims
May Not Be Safely Eaten

1. Rabies

2. Chickenpox

3. Leukemia

4. Tuberculosis

5. The common cold

6. Hodgkin's disease

7. Hepatitis*

8. Leprosy

9. Crohn's disease**

10. Mono (aka mononucleosis, the Epstein-Barr virus, the kissing disease)

11. AIDS

12. Influenza

13. Malaria***

14. Herpes (genital or oral)

15. SARS

Illnesses Whose Victims
May Be Safely Eaten

1. Color blindness

2. Tourette's syndrome

3. Alzheimer's disease

4. Breast, thyroid, liver, and prostate cancers****

5. Asthma

6. HIV

7. Cholera*****

8. Chlamydia*****

9. Syphilis*****

10. Diphtheria*****

11. Muscular dystrophy

12. Tinnitus

13. Type 2 diabetes

14. Parkinson's disease

15. Homesickness

- - - -

* It may be safe to consume a victim of hepatitis if you carefully avoid the liver.

** At one time, it was believed that Crohn's disease was a genetic disorder and thus its victims were safe to devour. Recent studies, however, suggest that Crohn's is an infectious environmental bacteria, linked to Johne's disease, which infects ruminants. If this is correct, victims of Crohn's may not be safely consumed.

*** It may be safe to consume a victim of malaria if the blood is drained and the liver is avoided.

**** Victims may not be consumed if cancer was induced by hepatitis virus.

***** Slight chance that these diseases would infect through the mouth/esophagus mucosa before they could be destroyed by the acidity of the stomach. Thus, their victims could not be said to be "safe."

4 comments:

jasper said...

disturbing yet informative. I take it the homeless are a crapshoot.

z. said...

Just what we need--more dietary restrictions.

Alison said...

Aw. I love you guys! Let's eat Lesley! Or is it Leslie?

Alison said...

I mean the guy on 6th street in a bikini.