Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I hate resin. I'm convinced it's giving me the throat cancer, it never dries on time and now I have it all over my new pants...I could compare the stain to another fluid in that the similarities are striking, but I am bringing substance back to my blog and furthermore, I am a refined, shiny lady. Like a dried piece of resin. Or that bug encased in Amber in Jurassic Park.

Hmmm...that didn't make a lot of sense. But whatever, my mind is cloudy like the gallon of boyjuice on my pants.

More about my pants! My new pants are a rather small size, I'm skinny now bitches! I don't ever recall wearing a small size in my life. Most of my adolescence was spent in giant Nirvana tees and mom slacks from Lane Bryant. And who do I have to thank for my weight loss? Poverty. The deflated dollar. Good thing Wendy's has a 99 cent menu or I would have to take up a career in couture fashion or work as a superskinny (shudder) gallerina.

*I'm not that skinny. But skinny is relative.

I've been reading The Best American Nonrequired Reading. It's really good. Probably my favorite story so far is "Middle-American Gothic." In an article commissioned for Spin magazine, Jonathan Aimes (a professory sort) was sent to report on the first ever Gothicfest. Needless to say, things are learned, blood is consumed, period clothing is worn.

Another good read is a Joyce Carol Oates short story called "Magda Maria." I love me some Oates. My writing professor in college used to talk about her like she was a god. He claimed that she challenged him to a sprinting contest once. Joyce Carol Oates is really, really, skinny.

In my last synopsis I will plug Fun Home by Alison Bechdel. It is one of the finest things I have ever read. I read it twice then gave it to a special lady named Sarah Canright. Fun Home does what I always dreamed of doing, which is to combine elements of graphic storytelling and the graphic novel tradition (however new that may be) with classic literary tropes and prose. She does it oh so well.

SUBSTANTIAL BLOGPOST STOP.
Turner Classic Movies, you're totally impeding my ability to go to the studio by showing The Haunting and Children of the Damned in a spectrally spectacular double-feature.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Republicking!

Ok, I'm bringing more substance back to this blog (academic Project Runway denim dissection to take place tomorrow). You know what I'm excited about? Fucking Evangelicals. No, strike that, I mean that I'm excited about the Evangelicals being fucked in the election (not that I'm not into flagellation, grape juice cunnilingus and bible-gags). Who are they going to vote for? They won't vote for Rudy because of his left-leaning social policies. Plus, his record indicates that he hates babies. And babies are v. important to the Evvies. They can't vote for Mit Romney, because he's a Pagan. Everbody knows the Book of Mormon was written by a one-legged devil prostitute and that the Mormons are bloated alien transformers.
All that's left is crazypants Mike Huckabee (I spent a good hour perusing his site...shit gurl, he so crazy!) and John McCain, who has teeth like a fox. Did you know that Mike Huckabee lost like 100 lbs? And now he engages in sadomasochistic cardio kick-boxing? Acutally, he just runs marathons but that's boring. His wife looks like a hedgehog. And he hates gay people. And he has crazy eyes that look like moist prunes.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

My mother requested that I blog despite the fact that I have nothing of interest to blog about.
So here, it is, the uneventful-blog-entry-of-the-century:
So lessee, Risa inherited another cat, much to my chagrin. I do not <3 cats. They smell weird, and their litter-box smells weird and they shed, and they are often incarnations of dead Egyptian princes. The new one has a real beyond the grave superiority complex.
I am working my ass off for AMOA, and after RicardoTheIntern and AlisonTheIntern dropped off my foam-core, I have begun to make my fake boarding school an even more fake-reality.
I also went to the Peacock for the first time in a while. I can't wait until they get their porch back. That's it.
I also bought a lot of new clothes from Ross Dress For Less. I am adjusting my image. Softening it. Hilary, take my lead.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Teaching Figure Drawing is like this:
*Draw the naked person in front of you.
*Make his scrotum more scrotum-like.
*Explore the magnificent texture of his back hair. Have fun with it!
*I'm sorry his buttocks is twitching, in the words of Tim Gunn, "make it work."

My god, teaching this class is robbing me of my love of nudity. It just isn't the same anymore. It doesn't hold me within it's slippery, fleshy lovegrip. It's become so distant. Nudity: we're breaking up. Clothing: let's make it happen baby. I'll pour some Chardonnay and you'll cloak me in your heavy ill-fitting burlap. I don't want to see any flesh poke out baby. Just you and me and a government strength Navy Seal wetsuit.

In world news:
*I can't believe Heath Ledger died. And is Mary Kate Olsen implicated? Oh the intrigue.
*Glasstire seems a little less snarkalicious lately.
*I have an intern! Of my very own! She brings me coffee and lots of molding paste for my fake Boarding School.
*I saw Michael Ray today and realized how much I missed that guy. He intimated that he had heard weird rumors about me, but would not tell me what they were. He's kind of like that though. And he likes to freak me out. One time he told me cryptically that I reminded him of Garfield because I was "good at lounging." Of course, in classic girl-style I accused him of calling me fat. And I secretly wondered if I had a jaundiced yellow-orange tint to my skin.
*My friends Jade and Annelle are both engaged now. I am v. happy for both of them. Although it makes me feel like such a peter-panified makeout queen.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Can't sleep. Watched a show about Global Warming and am now v. depressed. Of course, Jan 21st is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year according to a fancy CNN poll thingy. Science is my only friend.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Go see Brad Tucker's show, I think it's pretty hawt.
My hermit aspirations are not going so well. Tonight, my lovely Czech princess, former boss and excellent friend Hana Hillerova came into town and dragged me out of my painted cave. Sometimes I miss her so much it hurts. Austin is not as cool without her. Once in a while I'll scan an opening crowd, hoping against all odds that I'll see a glimpse of blonde femulleted foreignness carrying a tin of Venison stew in her sturdy arms. But alas, there is a dearth of Eastern European Amazons these dayz. That's what I'm going to tell the Chronnie reporter (and Larry King if he asks)...want to jumpstart the economy? More Eastern European Amazons. Need a light? Eastern European Amazon.

*I did tell her that I hated Czechs though, and that she was a notable antidote to her country's bitch epidemic.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Someone asked me to comment for a Chronicle article about the arts scene in Austin (and specifically the collector base). I'm totally at a loss. Zimmermans talked about it in his blog, so I won't retread. Basically: We need more monies. And Austin people need to harness that nebulous creative spirit I see evidence of on those "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers. Done. Send. World saved. Art saved. Barton Springs saved. Ali anointed dictator of SoCo in a tye-dye drenched ceremony.

Today Risa said I'm like Morrissey in that I'm only happy when it's raining (see new moody profile pic for confirmation). Whatevs, who doesn't want to be like Morrissey? Only Morrissey doesn't want to be like Morrissey, everyone else does.

In other newz: I've begun blogging obsessively, it's like I can't stop. I can't pay my bills but I can type random bullshit about Morrissey. Sigh. Why can't someone just pay me to do this? Why can't I do this all day? I could write in my undies in a specialized terrarium with exotic flora and a never-ending stream of Coke and red wine. With a cool British friend who would chastise me coyly for my gruff Americaness. And a giant T.V. in a hollowed out Redwood would play all the seasons of Xena: Warrior Princess back to back. Why, BlogGod, why?

*I also want to mention that there are a shitton of people reading this blog from crazy places like Snohomish Washington. My blog seems to have gotten far more popular since I dissed Glasstire. Hmmmm, maybe I should play the provacateur more often.
McSweeney's is way overrated.
Please give me a job.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Just finished my first class. Bumbled a little, but I always do when nervous and when I don't have the medicinal hand-holding of Mr. Xanax.
I'm working on my AMOA installation right now. It is a giant "inverted diorama" of a Boarding School. Do I know what that means? No, I just always wanted to coin a term. I actually did make up a word in college that caught on amongst pseudo-celibate girls everywhere. That term was EBO.
And it meant, "Everything But Oral."
Hi Mom!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

I've decided to become a recluse because of my abundance of showz and underabundance of tolerance for social situations.
So don't call me unless you want to give me cartons of cigarettes and wordless praise.
*There's an interesting article in the NYTimes about some of my new fave video artists, (I think Lozano links it in his blog).
Ryan Trecartin, Kalup Linzy and Nathalie Djurberg--yes. The return of Melodrama and camp is upon us; prepare your throaty monologue and ready your antebellum tear-stained umbrellas.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

I'm in Austin again and just cried watching a commercial for the ASPCA starring Sarah Mclaughlin. What's happening to me? It's like a werewolf-thing only with tears.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Well, it seems as though people agree with me about the Glasstire "Heathers" situation. But I just got back from 24 hours of immigration forms, turbulence-induced child barfing, evangelical smallchat and random German strip searches. So the only thing I really want to talk about is the idea of eating steak in the bath. Really. I'd be so into it.
Man, I already miss Berlin and am planning my penniless *but happy* return.
And I really am in love (or as in love as one can be after a couple of days). A German stole my heart and has stained it with Currylust.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Also,
I'm in love.

Oh, and here is a picture of me and Jeff Koons from 2004. I have been trying to get this pic from my friend Matt for ages. And finally, here it is. I am such a celebophile. And Jeff Koons is CRAZY looking.
P.S. I look fat in this picture. And also like I've been abusing "Sun-In."
P.P.S. Note the bunny ears in the background. Anyone familiar with Koonsy knows what an awesomely irreverent gesture this is.
Not to be redundant, but I just had the craziest night of my life, again. Berlin is crazy.
Let's just say that it involved drag queen Bingo and a pair of Joop! sunglasses and hundreds of people booing me for being from Texas.
-Ali

Monday, January 07, 2008

I think I am seriously bored. Like bone-chillingly bored. And I can't draw because my hands are frostbitten and chapped like Bea Arthur's taint'.

For some reason, all of my clothes from last night have ketchup on them. And my sketchbook also has lots of ketchup on it. Obviously I took part in some kind of Currywurst orgy resulting in massive condimental damage.

*Condimental dam.

I think Risa and Rose are stuck in Frankfurt. I don't even know what Frankfurt is. Maybe someplace where they play the crazy "fooseball" or something.
Also, congrats to Risa who was named assistant curator of American/Contemporary Art (?) or something like that at the Blanton Museum of Art. Maybe now she'll stop watching so much Tila Tequila and devote herself to loftier pursuits. Like juggling rat carcasses.

Rant: I think Glasstire is getting a little too fucking snarky to be considered a viable newsource. I am all for cattiness, but just call it a giant, goddamn pretentious op-ed blog driven by the aesthetic tastes and opinions of a handful of people. I don't think they should purport to be an actual purveyor of information when every show listing has a nasty little side comment. Of course, I still love Lozano (and most of the "blogs"), moreover, I think loud, sometimes brash opinions within the bloggosphere are what blogging is all about. But I didn't think Glasstire was a blog, I thought (maybe mistakenly) that it was a legitimate meeting of criticism, feedback and helpful information as regards the contemporary art scene in Texas. Is it an absolute that every news item/feature/column have a requisite ironic put-down? I mean, don't get me wrong, sometimes the comments are funny...they just seem out of place....but maybe Glasstire has a new mission, I don't know. I'm confused.
Also, this is easily the scariest thing I have ever seen:
http://sha.byu.edu/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=5230&Itemid=5609
Ok, I'm still a little drunk. I think I have a job at "Times Sport Bar" and a nipple ring.
Ok, not a nipple ring, just a little tenderness.
Last night I hung out with: a handsome, worldly couple who wanted to have a threesome and a non-English speaking bar owner who offered me a position solely based on my looks and despite the fact that I know no German.
I just tried to go for my "job interview" but no one was there. Maybe my job interview is on his lap.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Last night my Deutschfriends Marcus and Chris took me to a sound performance in Kreuzberg in some kind of abandoned tea house. This woman made "stream of consciousness" paintings whilst her partner played recordings of ambient sounds in Warsaw. It was sooooooo Berlin! :):):)
There was even a girl who looked like Liza Minelli. Seriously. I wanted to pull out her eyelashes and attach them to my heart. :):):):);)
Today it is very slippery outside.
I went to an awesome comic shop and bought a German comic about the Adventures of Sigmund Freud in the Wild West. If anything will make me learn German, it will be that.

Now I'm going to venture out and get a phone card so I can call one of my artcrushes to have her tell me about moving to Berlin. :):):):):)

*Note the ironic use of smileyfaces.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Got back from Prague late last night.
Here's what Prague has going for it:
-It's absurdly beautiful. Like out of a storybook.
-They make delectable foodstuffs (like shiny chunks of meat). And have wonderful coffee and beer (Staropramen esp).
-It has a lot of History, and a Medieval Torture Museum.

Here are the reasons I will never return to Prague:
-Everyone is bitchy.
-It is overrun by tourists and campy "Golem" cartoons and Golem-themed restaurants, making the solemn Jewish Quarter, Josefov a joke . (Matt Rebholz!)
-It has confusing train signs, which is why I ended up on a train going to Western Slovakia and not back to Berlin.
-It has retardo currency that is so hard to translate that you don't realize you're spending 30 dollars on a marionette-making kit (actually happened).
-A man peed on my foot at the train station.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

New Year's in Berlin was insane.

Not insane in the debauched, beer-stained kind of way. Insane as in insane. People everywhere were throwing firecrackers---into the street, at old ladies etc. On our way to the Turkish bath, Risa, Rose and I saw someone with a gun shooting bullets into the sky. We ran away very quickly, but then Rose informed us that the bullets would probably hit our heads once we were 2 miles away. I nervously put on my train-conductor hat hoping that the bill would repel any harm. Sidenote:a native Berlinner told us later that it was probably this special fireworks gun they have...but whatever.
Then, we looked for someplace fun to drink and discovered that the Berlinners weren't even opening the bars until 11. So we drank Beer and ate Currywurst (which is delicious!) and walked.
Finally, we found a fun bar called "Himmelreich," and had a whale of a time. They even gave us free shots, champagne and sparklers. My favorite memory of all time has to be watching this hardcore punk guy with long black hair dancing in the street amongst the firecrackers once the clock hit 12.
We tried to go to these cool underground parties that our bartender Katja told us about, but on the way there we saw a streetfight where someone got pushed in front of a bus (he was not hit, but I think his legs were broken from the fall. Anyway the bus stopped). There was also this crazy riot situation nearby where people were standing on fuseboxes, breaking glass, starting fires and listening to Metallica.
Anyway, we decided to call it a night before we died.
Once we reached my doorstep though, some skinhead looking fucker threw a firecracker at my foot. Luckily, it kind of sputtered out but in retaliation, Risa and I threw a cigarette butt at him from my window once we reached my apartment. But alas, it landed nowhere near him. After that I was done with fiery things for the night and maybe for my entire life.

There is barf everywhere, and the streets of Berlin look like a war zone.
I kind of like it, it looks like the apocalypse.
Berlinners are more serious about New Year's than I could have ever imagined. I think their FRIGHTENING zeal has something to do with living in a war-ravaged city.
I'm going to Prague tomorrow!