Saturday, October 03, 2009



So I was thinking about why I haven't blogged in a while, and after sifting through my dreary and cliched attempted drafts, which resembled the verbal dry-heaves of a Bush speech writer (wassup Matt Lattimer!!!), I realized that I was blocked. My blockage came about because of three things: My root chakra being completely undone and not at all like Ms. Chaka Khan, (who I thought birthed the chakra through incredibly danceable beats and sassy hip swivels), crippling Morrissseyed introspection, and quitting smoking.
Now, quitting smoking sounds like a good thing, but what happens when your sexy throaty sputter goes away huh? How do you seduce people? With your looks? By NOT slowly killing yourself? I don't think so. Killing yourself is like those Axe commercials and is inndddddubbbitably hawt.
How do you look cool at parties? How do you hide your cleft palate? How do you pretend to be Marlene Dietrich in the rain? I mean, do high waisted pants work without the requisite lip-dangling cigarette???? How do you replace that tiny phallus in your mouth? An elf? An ancient ceramic virility bong? Those dumb Chinese electronic nonsense cigarettes?
*I will never smoke anything Chinese....never! Reds!
Anyway, it's been 4 months now, and for once I have not cheated. Not even a little bit. Although I did cozy up to a subway regular once to smell his sweet, sweet Gaulouise scented flannel. He looked away, coyly, but I could see the tendril of smoke rising softly from his chapped bottom lip, beckoning me to suck more, saying, "I don't want this to end, drink from my odor, and then let's go to my cardboard gazebo and make out"*
*The last paragraph was written by guest contributor "that lady who writes the Twilight books."
*Seriously though, I read part of one at the airport and it is like porn for babies.

My point is, and I feel weird saying this but it's true, is that I lost part of my identity after quitting smoking...really. Also, I gained like 10 lbs which makes me feel like I look like the fat version of an American Girl doll.
Also, too much has happened really. Here are the highlights, and yes, this is all true.

-My Italo-German actress-roommate Lucia went to the mental hospital after having a psychotic break. She left me a note which consisted of a picture of Frank Zappa giving the finger with a caption that read "and fuck you too." It was surrounded by candles. She also stuck lasagna sheets in our mailbox and spread baking powder over the floor of our apartment to see who was coming in and out. This was disturbing and took up way too much of my mental time. Needless to say I have moved out and now live with a growed-up woman who enjoys rock-climbing and other mentally stable pursuits.

-My folks visited and we went to Venice for the Biennale which was amazing for me. And I will discuss my personal highlights soon.

-I went to New York and Austin, and got drunker and fatter and have now imposed an only-vegetables and water routine until I become the svelte young girl I never was. Like that American Girl doll that was actually hot.